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we stopped choosing each other



We broke up. 

Well, he finalized the decision, but technically our breakup was mutual. I had been wanting to go on a break since mid-January. I was living at his place and it would have been difficult seeing each other every day, so we made a decision that the break/break-up would happen after I moved out.

We started having more honest conversations and I was willing to challenge him on his narrow perspectives about life, emotions, and relationships. 

He didn't believe that relationships should have any disagreements. When we had a conflict once a month, it was already a lot. When it become twice a month, he would erupt in frustration that frightened me. Frightened me because it made me feel extremely bad for having the feelings that I did have. (I did not fear violence, etc...)

Before this relationship, he didn't even believe compromise was part of relationships.  

There were so many times, I was willing to walkaway and say goodbye. Moments when he shut down, refused to talk to me, and had to walk away leaving me absolutely feeling shitty and alone. I would call up my soul mate or bestie and have a heart to heart and she made me feel right in the world. I gathered the strength to be willing to walk away. I had worked so hard to not only own up to my feelings, but also be vulnerable and share them. NO WAY would I silence myself anymore. 

But he was also so good at apologizing for over-reacting and very sincere. I believed him, and I still do. I just don't think he has the capabilities of withstanding the trials and conflicts that are natural in a relationship. I have conflict within myself! I sure as hell am going to experience friction with another human being. 

One of my problems is always believing the potential of another person as opposed to seeing where they are at the moment. So I wanted to believe, he could be everything that I saw in him as well as be the kind, sweet person he was with me. 

So, I had change my mind from mid January to end of February, and thought if we gave each other more space, the relationship could breathe a little more. 

Then we had a fight. Or I felt hurt, got very angry (my anger will cut you down to little pieces), and said a lot of hurtful things.

I took 2 days off and returned with an apology.

I don't think he actually forgave me and that was the last straw for him. He didn't want to be together a few weeks after that. He didn't say these things, but I don't think he has the vocabulary or capacity for vulnerability to communicate how my words hurt him. 

So he really ended it. He put his foot down and chose to stop trying to make it work. 

I would have probably subjected myself to trying to make something work, that didn't have the proper foundation to last.

And I'm grateful for his choice. Grateful for an ending. 

(1/3? or something idk)


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magic

It's been a wonderful, beautiful experiment. Writing and expressing on this medium has given me great satisfaction and accomplishment, not for what was produced but for the growth it required of me. W