Publishing posts for this blog, heck, even beginning this blog gave me massive angst. I spent about 2 weeks brainstorming names before actually making a blog on WordPress in June. After, I second guessed the name of my blog as well as even beginning this endeavor. I was paralyzed, and I didn't do much with it. As a child, I dreaded having my writings read. It felt too personal, too exposed, and still does. I'm a private person usually sharing things if (1) I feel close to you, (2) if I think you've had a similar experience and can relate, or (3) if sharing will beneficial.
You see, I'm an introvert, though it might not have appeared that way since I spent most of my second decade of life socializing, dancing, and meeting many people. Until a couple of years ago, I had no idea that people drained my energy and that my internal world was far richer than the external. The external world can seem a bit abrasive and chaotic and I fear what other people might think as they read these words; I imagined the criticisms and judgments. What if I'm not writing perfectly? What if it doesn't resonate with people? What if I appear weaker or silly?
But instead of trying to suppress the worries and fears, I leaned into them. I examined them and thought about what my feelings were really saying to me. What was it about sharing my writing that caused so much fear? What did I want to accomplish by having a blog? Were these worries legitimate? What did I stand to lose vs. gain by creating a blog? I examined my rationalizations: a blog takes too much time and upkeep, nobody writes blogs anymore, just write about travel and happy, light-hearted things, I had other better things to do with my time, etc... After some analyzing, I realized I was just afraid to be vulnerable. I was afraid of 'stepping into the arena' as author and courage, vulnerability, and shame researcher, Brene Brown, would say. Because being in this 'arena' and writing about my personal development and feelings would mean I would have to show up and let myself be seen, and that would require some courage.
I share this with you because I want you to know that if there is something you fear, that scares you, just start f*cking doing it. Before you do though, examine your fears and hesitations from the place of a friend. Examine the reasons you want to do it, what you might gain, and the future you might lose. Examine your rationalization because when things are tough, we are all prone to telling ourselves stories and tidbits to make ourselves feel better. Then once you've slashed down your fears into manageable bits, and it makes sense, do it.
Do it especially if its for yourself and for your growth. Discover what you are looking to find with your endeavor.
For me, ...it is for my own radical self-acceptance.
...And develop my Fe or external feeling according to Myers-Briggs and Carl Jung psychological typology. Something that has been pivotal in my growth and understanding that I will talk about in the future!