returning with care

I took a break from this blog. I didn't expect it to be 2 months, but I had to evaluate some things.

Who was I writing for? Yes, I know, my goal and intent was to write the shit into acceptance of my thoughts and life. I still have this intent and goal, but having an audience was having an effect on what I wrote, which is counterproductive to the aforementioned goal. It's something I have to work on, not only here, but in real life. I have always been aware of other people's thoughts, opinions, and societal norms. So I wanted to reclaim writing for me by taking it back to paper.

But the biggest thing I wanted to dig deep about was this: was I writing with anger and intent to hurt others under the this idea of speaking my truth? Writing about my experiences and feelings, will inevitably involve me writing about other people. If you're reading this, there's a high chance you know me or know of me. At the time that I stopped writing, I had some posts lined up that had some raw pain and anger, which would be a great read, but would I be hurting anyone with them? Was there some unconscious intent to hurt the people in these blogs with my words as as result of the pain I felt?

Yes, probably.

And that did not sit well with me. One of the things I value is having and fostering connections with people, especially those I'm close with. Good connections with people involve listening, honesty, integrity, setting boundaries, being caring, being respectful of different opinions and resolving conflict. It definitely does not involve acting with intent to inflict pain or causing bad feelings in others.

So I had back away for a moment and sit with myself

There is a line between thoughtful story telling with reflection and being reactive. I wanted to choose former.

I believe in the power of words. The words you say to others, the words you say to yourself. Pay attention to them. Inevitably, I will say and do things that will upset someone. I do NOT aim to please everyone, but I have to be able to stand by my words and actions if they do cause harm. I want to look back and be able to defend it, knowing that what I said was my truth, and that I said it with thought and love. If my choices align with my values, then I can accept whatever consequences come of it. If I violate my own values, I'd have to deal with some guilt or possibly shame.

And I'm damn tired of living with shame.

So anyways, I'm back. And I have some things I've been wanting to write and share. These include showing my shitty qualities and thoughts you don't see, how my anger shows up, continuing the break up story, talking about lies, rape, cognitive dissonance, and sharing my vision board for this year. Hopefully I'll get to all that

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It's been a wonderful, beautiful experiment. Writing and expressing on this medium has given me great satisfaction and accomplishment, not for what was produced but for the growth it required of me. W