As I approach the end of another year around the sun, I felt a strong pull to more stillness and quietness, needing to reflect about where I am now, where I have been, and where do I want to go.
At times this reflection felt quite scary and painful because I knew in order for something else to flourish, something else would most likely need to die. And those parts that needed to die have been with me for most of my life. The part that shields up by being internally judgmental when i'm feeling vulnerable or annoyed, the part that doesn't believe in my own capabilities or possibilities as a nurse practitioner or living a wonderful life, the part that is angry or sad that I never had a paternal figure in my life, or even giving up false beliefs that 'I can't do that', 'can't afford that', or 'people won't understand'. This blog is a direct challenge to my previous belief that I couldn't put my thoughts out there . Of course, my rational self knows that none of these parts are true, but how do you part with the mechanisms that got you through the first half (or third) of your life?
I don't know if I have an answer for that, but I did mourn. I cried and mourn for the parts of myself that would have to 'die' in order to make room for growth.
And then I thought.
About past, present, and future.
The past gives rise to present situation, and the future is a result of present choices. So who do I want to choose to be?
I looked towards my past and tried to figure out who I was and what led me to choose who I chose to be in my friend, lover, or in my life at those times. Some relationships or decisions had obviously red flags, yet I ignored them. What was that about? Why would I want to knowingly suffer in the future?
And it might seem ridiculous that I purposely chose to suffer or be with emotionally unavailable or other lost souls. But the mind has an amazing way of deceiving and defending you. I'm sure you can name more than a couple of times when you had one last shot that you regretted while hungover at work the next day or spent too much money on vacation or material goods. We say we don't want drama in our lives but spend it gossiping about others. The moment when a voice crops up questioning the situation, is the moment when we are out of alignment with ourselves. Yet, I can recall years and moments of doing this. I have vague inklings about what it was all about, but most importantly did I want to change?
As I begin the 32nd year of life, it finally feels easier to rest into myself.
And who have I decided to be?
Well, I guess you'll see. :)
If I've committed to the changes I want to make and am mindful to break negative patterns, my life will be the result of these changes. And what a joyful, grateful life I want it to be.
“The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are.”
- Carl G. Jung