It's been a wonderful, beautiful experiment. Writing and expressing on this medium has given me great satisfaction and accomplishment, not for what was produced but for the growth it required of me.
When I first began to write, fear followed every scribble, every line, and I would bury my face in a pillow for every time I clicked 'Publish'. I'm sure we've all been there, in different contexts and with different things. Sometimes it's expressing love, care, or sorry to someone in person. Sometimes it's breaking down or showing anger or pain. We all have our things; that make us scared, bring us shame, or challenge us. It's the things we have inherited from our experience of living on this earth.
One of mine was expressing the multitude of thoughts and emotions that swell inside of me, or not expressing it was my thing. Revealing them made me feel delicate. fragile. And none of these thoughts or feelings are unique or special, but an upbringing in an emotionally anemic childhood can make you feel that thoughts and emotions are useless compared to the pragmatism of making money and excelling at school.
So to reveal bits of my mind is to reveal bits of my soul and heart.
As I write this now, the flutter of nervousness still bubbles, but this blog and time has made it bearable.
This year has left me on such a high. It has given me exactly what I have always wanted and more than I could imagine. I dance often. I feel like I am the luckiest girl, not from circumstances, but because I am able to view circumstances in new perspectives. The joy of being alive is never far from being exhausted or annoyed or sad. The magic of life is living in the spaces in between the highs and loves, and loving the mundane, and experiencing the fleeting moments of elation as it happens and to be happy its passed, to fully experience the tears while knowing that, that too shall pass, and that it has meant something. It feels so freeing to move towards discomfort and pain so that it can reveal more of what you need to learn versus running and fighting it. And surrendering, oh, how beautiful it is to surrender to life, itself.
This year has been completely magical.
And I have so much more to learn about magic and the beauty of life, but the journey ahead feels private. I have tried to write for months, yet nothing has felt right to 'publish' until this post.
Maybe what's important for me now is to live it, to integrate this magic into my cells.
And if you've read this far,
thank you for the support.
good-bye for now. :)