how your heart breaks

Endings are fascinating to me. They are difficult especially since we're not taught how to navigate them especially the end of a relationship. After something ends, what is your instinct? Do you blame yourself and thought you could have prevented it with xyz? Do you get angry blaming the outcome on the other person or other factors? Do you cry and go into a dark place? Do you prefer to feel nothing and numb yourself from processing it?

And what do you tell yourself and others about what happened? How does that narrative go? Was it truly accurate to how things were in that moment or are they muddled with your own personal flourishes to make yourself seem better, more X (charming, kind, selfless) than you really were in reality? If you're human, you most likely want to be portrayed idealistically.

And when things ends, do you want to bury those memories so deep, so you don't have to remember? Or do you cling onto the hopes of what could of been? What is attached to that ending --- is it pain, sorrow, regret, joy, longing?

A couple months ago, I got a lengthy angry email from my ex-boyfriend. Man, I was shaken. To read and feel so much anger directed at me. A part of me reacted with anger and annoyance wanting to defend myself. And another part of me was saddened this person that I had spent time with, cared for, and loved wants to trash on all our memories. And a third part had to remind myself that you do no engage with someone who wants to intentionally hurt you.

But, I get it.

I use to do the same thing.

After a breakup, I'd throw away the gifts, trash the photos, and most definitely get rid of the photos together on social media (you know... can't show people that I cared for this person). After this breakup, I wanted to do things differently not because the relationship was special or different, but because I wanted to be different. I needed to change the pattern for own healing. I thought getting rid of the memories, would help get rid of the sadness, pain, or uncomfortable feelings. It didn't. What I really needed to do was to accept that the relationship happened, that he made mistakes, that I made mistakes, that I chose someone that didn't even know how to be in a relationship, and that's okay.

Just because something ended doesn't mean the experiences and memories weren't genuine or real.

Why do we do often let an ending taint everything that happened before it?

Maybe the answer has to do with acceptance. Maybe not.

I've been trying to train my mind to have a more meditative outlook, in which every moment is fleeting. We have never been here before and never will be here again. We need not cling to the 'good' memories or be averse to the 'bad' memories. Every moment stands still in time. The moment is honest and true, but its the narration we attach to it that causes us more pain.

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It's been a wonderful, beautiful experiment. Writing and expressing on this medium has given me great satisfaction and accomplishment, not for what was produced but for the growth it required of me. W