I believe we are our own worse enemy at times.

With the narratives we tell about ourselves about every minute of our lives, the beliefs we integrated into our psyche by well-intention parents and friends, malicious bullies, or society, beliefs we never challenged about ourselves, the shit we project onto other people, our doubts about what's possible.

and for a long time, lets say...most of my life, I didn't care to examine these things.

and I didn't dare lean into these spaces of discomfort. i was terrified about what i'd discover.

Instead I was a slave to my defenses that i had built that protected me from exploring the painful places. or maybe i was a slave to running away from the painful places by trying to numb it, silence it, and drown it with partying and lots of extroversion.

It wasn't until this year my beliefs came crashing down and i really had to WAKE THE FUCK UP.

Have you ever watched Westworld?

There are these pivotal moments when the robotic hosts wake up to realize that the life they lived was not real. They begin to see the incongruities. The idea about free-will was an illusion. They believed the actions they took, the people they loved, and the things that happened to them were a consequence of their free will. In reality, their lives were constructed through programming of data, repetitive patterns, and narratives that someone else controlled. That idea about free will and free choice was merely an illusion. And it shook their world upside down.

I felt exactly like that. I felt as if I had woken up from a dream. The life I was living before was marred with fictional narratives, feelings I had suppressed, and a refusal to see situations clearly. I saw how I was causing a lot of my own needless suffering.

Once you realize it was an illusion, you have to question your reality.

Have you ever questioned your reality? Realized how much of reality could be based in false narratives, fantasies, and hopes?

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It's been a wonderful, beautiful experiment. Writing and expressing on this medium has given me great satisfaction and accomplishment, not for what was produced but for the growth it required of me. W